FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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