Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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