I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
