When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i think i have two assholes
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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