I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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