Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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