We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
