Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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