i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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