im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize