There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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