got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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