I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
