Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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