Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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