I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
