Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
