I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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