Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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