birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
