These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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