There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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