her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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