when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
