I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
