youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
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