Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The police scanner is talking about you again....
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
