my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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