you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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