do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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