We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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