roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
