Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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