It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
