i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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