I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
