his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I have peed in a lot of sinks
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
