I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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