What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
