The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
