i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
