There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
