Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
