I don't usually arrange sex via text message
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
