So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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