If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
