Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
