I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
