Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
