he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
