When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
