You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
