i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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