I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize