my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This can only be settled by a dance off.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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