walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
